Humour for lexophiles

With apologies to any English purists, I present:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is just two-tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in linoleum blownapart.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Hat tip and thanks to Jeanette.

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