PC James Bond script

Ace of Ace of Spades HQ has written a very funny ‘script’ for a Bond scene updated to be politically correct in all it’s glory. Thanks to Digital Brown Shirt for the link to that one.

An excerpt:

M
Good morning, 007.

BOND
Good morning, ma’am.

M
I’m quite sure I don’t need to brief you on the day’s events.

BOND
I got my fill on the radio over from my flat. Dreadful business.

M
Indeed. The Empire has been attacked. We need your… singular talents.
(snaps a button; a picture slides up revealing a COMPUTER MONITOR, upon which is displayed SURVEILLANCE SNAPSHOTS of Al Qaeda terrorists)
They call themselves “The Secret Al Qaeda Organization of Europe.” They are dedicated to killing as many British civilians as possible. Tanner has been liasing with MI-5; he can provide you with a full breifing.
(beat)
I want you to find them, 007. I want you to pick up their scent, hunt them down, infiltrate them…. Your mission, 007, is to find out–

BOND
If SPECTRE’s behind them?

M
— “Why do they hate us?”

BOND
(blinks silently)
What?

M
It’s of the most vital urgency that we understand why they hate us.

BOND
Well… okay, I suppose. Get inside your enemy’s head. I see. As Sun Tzu said: To destroy your enemy, you must think as he does.

M
Who said anything about “destroying” anyone? What kind of loose talk is that?

BOND
Well, I just sort of assumed…

M
Well for pity’s sake don’t. We’re not that sort of organzation, 007. We don’t just run around like cowboys gunning down whatever black hats we’ve deemed villain.

BOND
Sure we do. It’s pretty much all I’ve done for twenty five years.

M
Not anymore. We are dedicated to the proposition that all conflict is the result of misunderstanding, and that all misunderstandings are presumptively our fault. It is your mission to terminate those misunderstandings — with extreme predjudice.

BOND
Ah. I see where you’re going with this. When you say “misunderstandings,” you mean terrorists.

M
No, I mean misunderstandings. I want you to communicate with them, honestly and openly. And a little grovelling wouldn’t hurt.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “PC James Bond script

  1. It’s very funny (and incredibly sad too) how true this rings.

    God bless the Brits in this tragic time.

    Justine

  2. Hee-hee! Very funny – and at the same time, not funny at all – yet I’m still laughing. =P

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s